sure, everyone you meet may have something to teach you. this is the most profoundly true for your children. they will teach you much more than you may teach them. to live a full life, we need to have the full circle. we need to be loved, as each of us is unconditionally by our own parents, and we need to love in that same way.
i didn’t know it at the time, but ruth was sent to this earth to destroy my illusions of control. she has been and perhaps will always be my biggest challenge. probably because she is so damn much like me. she mirrors all of the things that i struggle with in my own self. my extreme and sometimes crippling self-consciousness, my sensitivity, my temper and my self-destructive tendencies. it’s all there. and she looks like me. sometimes, looking at ruth is like looking at myself as a child. and i must be my mother, the person i’ve dreaded becoming. sometimes when i open my mouth to scold her, its my mother’s tongue that speaks like a whip, lashing out, tearing away emotional flesh. she cowers and i see myself cower. i feel the anger burning in my eyes and i know what i look like. because i’ve stood so many times looking into my mother’s angry eyes. ruth brings me face to face with my demons. and they are not pretty.
but they are finally out in the open, where i can see them plainly and size them up and maybe they are not so big or scary as i once thought. and, by seeing the effects i have on my daughter, i am finally forced to fight these demons within myself, to try and be better for her. also, in seeing the worst of me in someone that i love unconditionally helps me to accept my own flaws and love myself along with loving her. i am able to see myself with new understanding. and to finally forgive myself. and perhaps even my mother a little too.
that’s my daughter. someone to obliterate illusions.
my son was sent to this world as a bringer of joy. he was sent to squeeze himself into my tiny choked heart and kick it out to three times its size until it fills my whole chest cavity. he is one of those people that is a pure unfettered spirit. he must be near the end of his journey of reincarnation, if you believe in such things. in his next life, he will be a cow, and then, released into the pure consciousness that perhaps awaits us all eventually. he was sent to teach me to keep my heart light, that life, seemingly so serious, is just a facade after all, and one to be savored.
after having my two children, i feel like a totally different person. one that feels more out of control, aware of my demons, and one that sees more joy in everything. i can’t help but wonder at how else my heart could be stretched and changed with any subsequent children. where is there left to grow? i’m sure i’m quite ignorant, but that won’t be a hindrance. i’ll figure it out with time, i’m sure.