odd thing. greg was rubbing me down the other night, giving the musculature a good release when these strange noises started to escape me. It probably sounded like a walrus with an infected tusk. “you ok?” he asked. “hmm?” I mumbled in a massage-induced sleepy haze. “what it that?” he pondered. “huh?” I responded. “that noise you’re making.” I paused. “I dunno. it’s just coming out. I feel compelled to make it.” he gave up and just continued my rub.
I could have told him the truth, but I would have seemed over-dramatic or like a whiner or something. the truth is, when I am getting rubbed down, a deep weariness within me rises up and finally gets released by my vocal chords. it comes up as deep guttural groans and heavy sighs from somewhere profoundly tired, from buried muscle groups way way down releasing old built up tension. I could have said this, but he would have been concerned.
and, really, I’m fine. I’m more than fine. I can’t say my life is harder than others. the truth is, I live a sort of charmed life. I attribute that to my husband who lives a charmed life and has sort of picked me up for the long haul as his partner. there are difficult things in my life not the least of which is coming face to face with my short comings and failures as a person and a parent on a daily basis raising my two kids or battling through a minefield of my daughter’s ups and downs throughout every moment of her (and my) life. but there is so much good.
and, if I had to use one word to sum it all up, my tiny existence, it would be grateful. overwhelmingly grateful for my beautiful life married to the rare person who possesses real vision and driving passion, my two kids, the people I helped bring into the world but who are not of me. two people who teach me so much about myself and people and the world around me and the very nature of life and living. the freedom to live the kind of life I desire, to pursue the things I am interested in and care about, the ability to strive towards a better life and version of myself every day. my health. the health of those I love. I am, without a doubt, the luckiest son of a bitch out here. and I am deeply deeply thankful.
groans or no groans.