i was just talking to a single childless friend of mine (don’t worry. she has way too much of a life and is far too busy to ever read this blog) about how relationships evolve. as in, downhill. because she is newly dating again and it has been so long since the beginnings of mine and greg’s relationship, I was reminiscing to her about how grand it all is. nothing is better. well, I should say nothing is more of a natural (or unnatural possibly, I dunno) high. though, coming from the over-ten-year with kids relationship perspective like I do, I couldn’t help but add a tinge of reality check and say that it all fades. of course it does. how could something so intoxicating last a lifetime? this is true of all highs: they simply don’t last. but, and this is something I have come to realize with age, though those days are gone, and believe me, they are LONG gone, the fact that they happened acts as a sort of glue that holds us together in the present. the memory of all of that sweet elixir lingers on the tongue. and though we may live on bologna sandwiches and diet pop now, the memory of that taste is vividly recalled.
I was having a regular sunday this afternoon, which meant that I was sort of down in the dumps and discombobulated and everything was sort blah and humbug, when I traveled for a moment, while we were in the car and I had a free moment, probably the first all day, down memory lane, back to the days before greg and I had children and thought about how we used to spend our time. if you wanna know the truth, not doing much of mention. long car rides out to see various birds (greg’s old obsession) or going out to eat and scrambling for conversation, watching hgtv and thinking and talking about our future life together (ironic). the usual young twenties dating people activity, right?
if I had only known that I would be grasping at these memories to bring back the feeling of connectedness between greg and I later in life, I think we would have done something a little more noteworthy. gone on more vacations. done the peacecorps, even. something. but it’s too late for all of that. so, all I have is memories of us walking my dog around my old neighborhood, sitting in coffee shops people-watching, rearranging furniture, watching dancing with the stars. but still, it sounds pathetic, but these are now cherished memories of simpler times when it was all about greg and I. and I dredge them up often because they help me get through when things get chaotic and overwhelming and greg and I go for days without a chance to talk together and the person I live with and have begun a family with seems more like an absentee roommate while he’s at work and sometimes the bane of my existence when he’s home. ok, that’s a little dramatic right there, but not altogether inaccurate.
it’s kind of like: we don’t have time to date any more in real life, so we date in my head. does that make sense?
maybe I daydream too much. I don’t suspect that greg spends as much time as I do in “relive our past life land”, but I never know. sometimes I think that (and this is going to sound sexist) men in this culture don’t even know, or can’t admit, what goes on even in their own heads. I see this as the reverse side to sex discrimination towards women and I think I’ve said before that I feel that in many ways, men are equally as oppressed as women, just in a different way. for instance, encouraged at a VERY early age to show no emotion, focus on action, not motivation, and not to be as empathetic and apologetic as girls are. the things we do to each other in the name of gender roles….
in any case, happy daydreaming to all my fellow dreamers out there (p.s. don’t forget to relive the really juicy memories too, not just all the boring stuff).