on facebook, I guess, because I haven’t really been too loud or outspoken here on my blog about natural childbirth or the travesties of the medical model regarding childbirth in general. though I do feel extremely strongly about this issue and would like to be more outspoken just so that more people are aware that there are choices and things can be different. I always rationalize my outrageous number of posts on facebook talking about childbirth by saying to myself, and really feeling, that I deeply wish that I had had an outspoken facebook friend and obsessive poster during the time before I had ruth. because I was simply so clueless. sometimes I think about how her birth could have been so different….if only. if only I knew. and, really, if only I had done just a few simple things differently. NOT gone in as soon as my water broke. stayed at home and active, walking and rotating on a birth ball (which I didn’t have at the time but I truly credit with starting contractions when I was about to have joel. I also give this thing a lot of credit for making my labor so quick and efficient because I would sit on that thing every day for a few months before he was born and rotate around on it, visualizing a quick birth). and really, that’s it. if I had done those two things, I think her birth would have been so much better. I would never have had Pitocin or an epidural(I don’t think). though, I guess that’s not all that was “wrong” in my opinion. in retrospect, I had nearly no appreciation for the importance of the moment of birth and what a peaceful, intimate birth could mean for me or my baby.
there you go, I’m not being quiet like I said. you see? here I am at 25, going on 26 weeks in a couple of days. and I need to be quiet. I am feeling that all too familiar need to begin retreating inward that seems to happen to me in advanced pregnancy. it is a subtle change, where something small suddenly begins to switch over, some deep and ancient part of me that starts looking inside, finding my strength, finding my weaknesses too. this is when the inner work of pregnancy really begins in earnest.
I suddenly feel the need to calm the ripples on the surface because there are strong waves washing through me beneath whatever exterior I seem to have that people see or hear. It is the time for the thoughts below the thoughts to have time to stew and bubble within me. I need to pay close attention to them, to understand them.
It’s a little scary, I will admit, to feel this inward pull. Kind of like if you knew that you were going to be spending three months or so isolated on your own in a cabin in the wilderness and you really weren’t sure what was going to arise while you were out there. how you were going to feel, the things you would think about, and just if you’re up to the challenge. But at the same time, it is such a special, powerful phase in my emotional life, these last few months of a pregnancy, waiting for a baby, waiting for my own rebirth into motherhood again. As much as I can, I savor the isolation, the deep churning feelings of change. And I accept whatever pops to the surface. I have to. Fears and thoughts and emotions and imagery.
I am still very much into childbirth, feminism and that whole world. But I need to be quiet. For the next few months, anyways. I need to be reverent and hushed and prayerful (in the way that we who don’t pray to a god are prayerful, simply sending my most grateful energies out into the world that I love so much. And wondering at this life that I am a part of but that I don’t understand).