eating my words

I need to get the hell off the internet.  I thought to myself last night after the kids had finally all succumb to the sand man.  they always look so harmless in slumber.  “recharging for the havoc they’re going to wreak tomorrow,” greg has said, with a smile.  I need to disappear off the radar completely so that I can live my life in peace.

see, the problem is, every time I put something on the internet, it seems, within a few hours or days, I end up eating my words.  the other day I posted a self-satisfied status about how full and meaningful my life with kids is.  so, you know the universe was just waiting to crush my little ego between its thumb and forefinger and remind me just how lost an individual I am.  immersed in what had become a terrible day with the kids, I could only think back on the words I had typed with a sarcastic scoff.  what was I thinking?  who was I kidding?  my life is complete and utter cacophony and chaos.

it was raining, so that was the first thing.  we were trapped inside.  I’ve been a bit isolated with the kids lately, with no person around for friendly conversation or for a sympathetic ear to bend.  that’s the first bit of the equation.  then there is joel who is freakin’ TWO in all caps lately.  picture the perfect stereotype of a two year old and that’s joel.  messy, loud, constant movement, stubbornness, and irrational emotion on wheels.  and he won’t listen.  mostly this is a problem in relation to his brother: namely that, I tell him to be gentle with his brother and he responds by throwing things at him, yelling in his face and jumping on the bed near his head as I change his diaper.  so, you could say all of that put me on edge, dwindled my patience, and otherwise made for an over-sensitive rage response.  then there’s the fact that miles is now four months old and spends a good deal of his time awake and alert and has specific requirements for how he’d like to spend his day.  namely, on my lap or in my arms.  this doesn’t make dealing with joel and ruth, getting them dressed, feeding them and otherwise helping them with their existences easy by any stretch.  to sum it all up, I am pulled in three directions, loudly, all day long.

I tried to remind myself that I was lucky to have three healthy children, that I was able to stay home and be the one to raise them, that I have my own health and the health of my husband.  but when you’re mired in that kind of overwhelming stress, these thoughts are so hard to hang onto.

I can only sum it all up by saying that it was a terrible day.  one that had me questioning everything.  “I threatened to send ruth to kindergarten,” I said to greg over the phone, hoping that would send the message loud and clear of just how bad a day it had been.  I knew he knew what I was talking about.  “just take it one day at a time,” he said, “tomorrow will be better.”

and that’s almost guaranteed.  how could it be worse?  or even just as bad?  yesterday was one of those perfect storm days.  yet, they happen to everyone, I know, though you’d never be able to tell it from facebook.  that’s another reason why I should get the hell off line.  unrealistic expectations.

the truth is, every stage of life has it’s low points, it’s struggles, and it’s terrible, awful days.  college days and baby days included.  and they all have their good points.  no person’s life is probably much harder or easier and certainly not better than another.

so eff that status update.  eff my ego.  life is hard.

yet it’s all we’ve got.  may as well make the best of it and try to have a better day.

Author: Terry

Welcome! I am a Waldorf and unschooling-inspired homeschooling parent of three, ages 2, 4, and 7 living in the Lansing area of Michigan writing from the front lines of parenthood. Join me as I try to navigate homeschooling and bask in the craziness of life with young ones. Feel free to leave a comment. I would love to hear from you! Thanks for stopping by!

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