well, anyone following would know that I have a “thing” about childbirth. as in, not only am I mind body and soul obsessed with it, but I also have about a million and one hang-ups about it and so much deep seeded fear surrounding it. I’ve done a lot over the years to reverse this fear, but it takes a lot to change things that are that hard-wired into your brain. my point is that, because of this fear and obsession, last year starting about this time, every spare second, I was thinking about miles birth. for months, it consumed me so that by the time he was born, I was just weighted down mentally (not to mention physically) with anticipation. but that still didn’t stop me from, in the last few weeks and days before he was born, the knowledge that I was about to put it all behind me. his birth, I knew from experience, would be like a magic tonic that, from the moment it occurred, would lift me up out of my weary existence on earth as a nine month pregnant person and would take me to a different plain of existence, where I would live for the next few months before having to come back down again.
how can I explain it otherwise? it’s like an alternate parallel reality, the months after having a baby. there is an abrupt shift in everything from the moment of birth so that life takes on a sort of divine glow and everything that came before seems so distant and small and dark.
call it hormones or delirium or sleep deprivation. but I like to think of it as stepping into a totally different energy field, if you believe in such things, where you are able to feel and see things you normally can’t. it’s a magical time that only comes a few instances in a lifetime. you might know you are in it because your heart feels about three times its normal size and all squishy and tender. or you might know you’re in it because time seems to slow down for you and you can tell that your brain is seizing upon everything around you, trying to hold onto this experience, to make a memory.
or you might not know you’re in it until one day, you look around and the veil is lifted. your baby is maybe 6 or so months old and life is taking on that old familiar feel. your heart shrinks back down and hardens up a bit. life starts picking up the pace again. and you wonder: was it a dream? yes, it was. a dream on earth, a waking dream you inhabit while a baby is so small.
I’m so sad to be coming to the end of this time since miles was born. it has been so beautiful to be so open and vulnerable. the saddest part is that I probably won’t experience another post baby period in my life. this has been my last one. luckily, I will carry it around, tucked into some distant corner of my brain, ready to be brought back out, smoothed out and admired in quiet moments. my own quiet moments of my life.